Preface
The only way I can think of organizing this story is to lay it out like a book in chapters. There are many details and points in the big story that are a testimony on their own, but together they form an overall testimony of incredible healing. I also know there are certain parts of this story you may want to jump back to quickly. I hope this makes it easier to read and understand.
I am starting out with the bible verse Isaiah 43:18-19 because it was one of the passages I clung to during the toughest season of my life. I would repeat this daily to remind myself something new is coming even when everything seemed so dark.
“This is what the Lord says — who makes a way in the sea, and a path through raging water… “Do not remember the past events; pay no attention to things of old. Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 CSB (Christian Standard Bible)
There will be a lot of scripture referenced, so if you are not a believer or not familiar with the Bible, please do not let that deter you from reading the rest of this story. My story cannot be told without showing how God spoke to me through the chaos and gave me peace. I’m about to show you how the Word “came alive” to me. It’s a story of pride being completely stripped away, hitting rock bottom’s basement, and finding the only way through it was led by the Holy Spirit guiding me, reading scripture, and help from well-seasoned Christian women.
I bet you never thought you would be reading this kind of story from me. I’m sure you will be mind-blown just as I am every time I look back on all that has happened. This is a story of complete and utter chaos and the only reason Brian and I made it out was because of God.
Spoiler alert! I feel it necessary to just rip the bandaid off one detail so you stay with me though the rest of the story…
Brian was an alcoholic.
He is now a recovering alcoholic. I’m honestly not sure what label we should apply now because I do not think of him as an alcoholic in any way, anymore. I once heard a person describe themselves as a “sober alcoholic” because they understood if they were to ever have another drink (yes, beer included) they would be thrown right back into active addiction. But that label doesn’t sit right with me either. He is simply free. He is simply who he was originally created to be. But we also can never forget what rock-bottom’s basement felt like and what sent us there.
I think most people wonder if Brian is ever “triggered” by being around alcohol or wonder if he still craves it. He honestly does not. To a person who has dealt with addiction of any kind that can seem unbelievable. And while I am not naive enough to believe he will never be tempted, I do trust that God did the work I prayed for. God changed Brian’s heart. When that kind of heart change happens your old desires are just not there anymore. I often say God snatched it away from him because there is no other way to explain the healing that took place.
On November 20, 2024, Brian made the choice to go to rehab for alcoholism. He came home on January 10, 2025. Some of you probably heard rumors. Some of you may be shocked that he even had a problem. But that is one of the reasons this story needs to be told. There are many headed down the same road of addiction and they have no idea. You need to know how it happened to even the most unlikely person.
If sharing our story saves even one person from alcoholism or addiction, it is worth the price of everyone knowing. In all honesty, Brian and I have no issues with anyone knowing about our struggle. Even while he was in rehab, I was too dang proud of him to be any kind of embarrassed. We welcome any conversations or questions, especially if you are a person who is struggling or watching someone struggle with any kind of addiction. This is our Freedom Story. We want you to be free too.
You might be wondering why tell this story? It’s God’s story, not mine. I’ve felt a very heavy conviction in my soul that someone else needs to hear it. Not because I want everyone to know what we went through, but because God does not waste a redemption story. I don’t know how else to explain the need to share it other than God won’t let me keep it in. I know without a doubt someone else is living our past right now. I feel a responsibility to share because I know how important it was to hear from or talk with people who understood exactly what I was going through.
Brian and I have two totally different testimonies of the same event. Both are equally powerful. This is my side of the story, what I battled through and experienced. I will share some details of his alcoholism, but the true depths of his suffering and redemption is his story to tell. There are details that are only understood by him and God. I will truly never grasp the extent of Brian’s suffering as an alcoholic. But when he is ready to tell it, his story will change lives.
As for right now, I am ready to tell my side. He, the One who was born of God, who keeps me safe (1 John 5:18) sent me to tell you this story.
I have been a believer in Christ since middle school. I grew up in church but, if I’m honest, never tried to grow my relationship in Christ. Sure, there were times when I felt more of a pull from the Holy Spirit, like after going to church camps, but the pull never stuck after getting back into the world.
Prior to 2024, I had never truly read or studied the Bible in depth outside of Sunday school class or a sermon. I knew the big bible stories, knew a few key verses that were nice sounding, and believed “enough” according to the world’s standards. Definitely the definition of a “lukewarm Christian.” I have always heard people talk about “the Word coming alive” and, if I am being truly honest, had no clue what that even meant. I very much trusted myself, my abilities, my intellect and thought I had control over my life.
But then my life imploded.
I heard a pastor say something to the effect of this—
Sometimes we are too independent, too self-sufficient, too capable for our own good. And it takes something so bad and so uncontrollable by worldly standards that God is able to humble you with it. So that when the miracle happens you know it can only come from God.
Now looking back I can honestly say nothing short of what happened would have created the change needed in our lives for us to fully turn towards God and ultimately saved us in every way possible. For that reason, I will be forever thankful for what we went through. I would not change any of it.
The best place to be is where your only option is God. There is a peace in that. It’s not comfortable, but you can find peace when you completely accept your control has nothing to do with the outcome. He will also teach you where the arrows are being shot from and how to defend yourself.
It took me 42 years to get to the point where I now understand who God is, how he works, and what my true identity is as one of his own and what that means. My story is not just a story of surrender, healing and freedom, but also a story of how reading God’s Word can help guide you through the toughest season of your life.
“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.””
John 13:7 NIV
Chapter 1: Alcoholism is a secret disease
My husband, Brian, was an alcoholic. He had been for several years, we just denied it. How many years? It is hard to pinpoint the exact moment it went from socially drinking to full blown alcoholism. It was definitely a slow creeping disease, but I do remember over the years certain behaviors around alcohol starting to change where drinking was no longer a social activity. In the moment you brush it off, lie to yourself, and think you can keep it under control, but the addiction has set in.
Most people believed we had it all together. Brian was the definition of a “high functioning” alcoholic. Because of Brian’s success in his career and physical appearance, you would never suspect he had anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, or much less a substance abuse problem.
April 3, 2024 is the day all things we thought we were keeping under tight control ultimately busted at the seams. It was the date I realized my husband might die from this addiction or ruin us.
Before I get into the meat of the story, I want to briefly explain what addiction is and how it comes to be. At least from my point of view.
No one sets out to be an addict or controlled by a substance. In the case of many addictions, it grows over time. But in some cases I think there is almost an instantaneous moment where someone’s brain connects an action with a feeling. That dopamine response hits and you want more of it, especially if you are a person who is riddled with anxiety and fear. You’ll do almost anything to escape.
Brian told me a story of a guy he met while in rehab. The guy explained how he believed he became an alcoholic the first time he ever took a drink. It didn’t matter how many drinks he would have in the future. In that first moment, that drink gave him something he couldn’t find anywhere else.
I believe people become addicts when a substance gives them something they can’t find anywhere else. A numbness, a release, a quiet mind, an escape from life—an artificial peace. Addicts are just normal people who are searching for peace in the wrong ways. It doesn’t matter the substance of choice. It could be porn, sex, gambling, drugs or alcohol, even shopping or social media; all are a means to numb whatever anxiety or fear the devil and demons are whispering constantly in their head. Brian’s choice just happened to be alcohol. It numbed his mind, made him forget his anxious thoughts, and then ultimately became self medication to go to sleep.
Chapter 2: Sabotage
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
Ephesians 6:12 CSB
In January 2024, I decided to do a Wednesday night class at Temple Baptist Church called Freedom In Christ (FIC). This class was instrumental in my journey through 2024. I mention this because my story covers pretty much every topic in the Freedom In Christ Course, by Neil T. Anderson, which I will reference a good bit. This class taught me how to find my security in Jesus, surrender control to God, and even how to battle in spiritual warfare with evil spirits.
Something I learned in FIC class is Satan and his demons sabotage in a very predictable pattern if you know how to spot it. The 3 methods — temptation, accusation and deception. Satan and his demons are constantly around whispering a lie here and there, nudging you in a direction to distract you from God. These lies and deceptions will cause spiritual blindness in non-believers or neutralize obedience and trust for believers.
For most people it looks something like this:
The temptation is thinking you can relieve the problem on your own terms and control. You might say something like this:
“If I just do this, it will fix that.”
“It’s really not that bad.”
“I can control it.”
The accusations come when you can’t truly fix the problem. You might say something like:
“It’s just who I am.”
“This is how I was made.”
“I can’t beat this.”
The deception is when you feel defeated, alone, hopeless with no way out. But you’re not alone. Satan wants you looking into the dark and not to the light. Satan can only plant the idea or thought, but you make the choice to believe it.
A key part of the devil’s strategy is to not take you out in the first attempt. He doesn’t need the bad thing to happen immediately. That’s not how warfare works. He has to get you to believe the lie first. Persistence, not power, is Satan’s most used tool.
Think “Trojan Horse” tactic.
Satan starts with testing the sturdiness of your house. Basically testing how it was built. Can he make a small crack in the foundation to destabilize the house?
Will you believe a small lie first?
Will you try to repair the holes with cheap material (with more lies)?
Jesus said in Matthew 7:26-27 NIV:
“But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.””
Satan will use things that seem good in the moment, for example, happy times with alcohol (our Trojan Horse) to make a crack in the wall of your house. I don’t mean to imply that every good moment you experience is in some way a scheme of the devil. But we do need to be able to discern if the decision would be in line with God’s will and direction for our life. A simple question asking, “Who does it serve? God’s plan and purpose for you - or your own plan?” I found this to be really helpful when there is confusion.
If we do not have this firm awareness, we can get distracted, and discernment between what is true and what is a lie can get a little cloudy. You know what is crazy? If you are deceived you have no idea it’s a lie because you are isolated and not able to hear from God. The devil’s strategy is to first trap and then destroy.
Brian’s alcoholism didn’t happen all of the sudden. It took almost a decade for it to grow into what Satan wanted. We even built a literal shrine to alcohol, “The ManCave,” into our home! Brian built a room that completely surrounded him with his demon, literally and spiritually — and we were none the wiser.
I call Brian’s addiction the sleeping monster because it wasn’t something I thought was a serious problem until it clearly was. In hindsight there were obvious red flags and warning signs. But that is part of the devil’s deception plan. And it’s easy for him to play you when you are neutralized.
Satan wants to neutralize you. How does he do it?
1: We chase comfort from the world instead of comfort from God. As humans we think if we just do more, earn more, and/or have more our problems will be solved. If we try hard enough, we will “live the life of comfort.” But we are not promised to live a comfortable life, not even as a believer, simply because this is not heaven. Satan will have you fixated on chasing perfection, knowing you will never reach it while living in a fallen world. The devil’s goal is to keep you focused on self-effort instead of Christ’s finished work. Jesus says in John 15:19 CSB: “If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.”
2: The devil will always rush you. He will have you rushing around, chaotic, and thinking if you do not fix this now, more pain is coming. God is the God of peace and order. Satan is the prince of chaos and confusion. God’s plan will not cause you anxiety or fear, nor would he ever rush you. If you ever feel rushed or pressured to make a decision for fear you will miss the opportunity, that is Satan’s influence. He is trying to draw you away from taking the time to ask God about your circumstances. God wants you to be still, go to His Word, and ask Him. Once you know in your heart this is where God wants you, that is when you make a move. You might feel a bit excited-nervous, but you will not be fearful of the “what if’s.” If the opportunity passes you by then it wasn’t meant for you and your mind will be at peace even if. Isaiah 26:3 NIV: “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”
3: The devil will keep you busy. Satan will convince you to keep trying to find your own solution to distract you from your relationship with God. You will find yourself in a full schedule with “no time” to sit with God or read the Bible, too tired to go to Wednesday night church, too tired to go to Sunday morning church. Jesus says only one thing is necessary above all else in Luke 10:40-42: 40 “But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, and she came up and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to serve alone? So tell her to give me a hand.” 41 The Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.”
In case you were wondering, I was a Martha, I chased comfort, and my mind was anything but peaceful. I’m describing who I was and how I lived. These three examples are only a few of the many forms of spiritual warfare. These distractions are nothing new. They are as old as the beginning of mankind!
If Satan can’t have your soul, he will do whatever he can to keep you a distracted, cold Christian, not even “lukewarm.” He knows if you grow closer to Jesus and truly know Him, you will live more like Jesus. If you live more like Jesus, you will show the world Jesus. If you show the world Jesus, you will grow the Kingdom of God and bring more non-believers into His family. Satan is desperately trying to stop this growth. Our purpose as believers is to help non-believers come to know Jesus not by forcing it on them, but by showing them by the way we live. That’s it. Show the world Jesus by how we live so they look at you and see the peace within and wonder, “how do I get some of that!”
If your life has no room for time to grow your relationship with Jesus, the devil has you successfully neutralized. Then brick by brick he piles the chaos on you, and before you know it he has your life in a chokehold. He has buried you in fear, anxiety, and isolation, thus keeping you from Jesus’ peace and silencing you from showing people the One who can save them.
Chapter 3: How Satan tempted, accused, and deceived us
“But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desire. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death. ”
James 1:14-15 CSB
The temptation of alcohol.
I am about to discuss the big fat elephant in the room. I apologize in advance if I hit a nerve with the next few points. Remember I learned them honestly with experience. I did not find the truth very comfortable either.
The world glorifies alcohol. If you don’t drink you are the odd one out. It’s kind of shocking being on this side of things now and seeing just how prevalent alcohol is in our culture. You cannot get away from it. For most people, alcohol is associated with fun, happy times, “we had so much fun when” times, “that was so funny” times, and special celebration times. These are times we felt happy so how can it be that bad?
Alcoholism is a disease people rarely talk about because they do not want to give up their own drinks. People don’t want to be held accountable to the lie they participate in. I was one of those. I bought the alcoholic drinks. I looked the other way. I told myself it’s not that bad. And some people participate unknowingly.
If your friend was shooting heroin or abusing pain pills, you’d probably acknowledge that’s a problem. But that’s not how it is with alcohol. After all, it’s not illegal to drink. That’s all part of the deception. While I am not judging anyone for its use, I was one too, I do hope that this story helps others reassess their own alcohol use. Think of it as a warning flag. The lie is that you believe it won’t touch you. If you have ever had the thought “I really need to cut back,” or even thought of quitting all together, do not brush it off. It could save your life.
No one ever regrets not drinking. You always regret it when the hangover sets in. If you think about it, the cycle of drinking is like a mini-episode of how Satan tempts and then destroys. First, the alcohol creates the euphoria-fun feeling in the beginning, but always results in the hangover/crash-and-burn at the end. And what do you think will cure the hangover? Oh, yeah more alcohol. Sounds like a perfect formula for chaos orchestrated by none other than the master of deception. And we all fell for it.
If you are someone like me whose spouse is a big drinker and you realize they need to cut back or stop completely, understand you have a responsibility to keep a safe environment at home. There is no way to never not be around or see alcohol, but home should be a safe space. There are too many stories I have heard of people who were in rehab for alcohol only to have their significant other at home continue to drink because “they didn’t have the problem.” Those people all relapsed. If you are not willing to give up your own drinks for the safety of your family, newsflash, you have a problem too. This will require you to quit drinking as well.
Accusations will always multiply.
I was never a big drinker. I did on occasions and because I did not drink much, I believed that I didn’t know what “a lot” of consumption looked like. I thought I’m just the weird one who doesn’t like to drink. What I think is a lot of alcohol, everyone else seems to think is “normal” to consume.
To double down on this lie I believed, Brian would say things like, “this person drinks X amount, way more than me” or “but I don’t drink during the day” or “I’m not as bad as them.” So I would again accuse myself of not knowing what was normal. After all, he was a very high-functioning alcoholic. He was successful in his career, super active in the gym, pickleball all-star, and in general did not look like the typical alcoholic you think of. For the most part, he fulfilled all his responsibilities well, looked healthy enough and hid his demon even better. No one ever suspected.
“Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall. ”
Proverbs 16:18 CSB
Deception is thinking you have control.
For years we tried our own formulas to control his alcoholism. Brian believed he could control his alcohol with his “formula,” his rules for drinking. Being a high-functioning alcoholic is the most dangerous of them all as far as getting help. No one believes you have a problem, therefore you do not see it, and those closest to you second guess everything. Brian thought his rules kept him in line, therefore he believed he didn’t have a problem. He wasn’t a rowdy drunk. You would never see him sloppy drunk in public. The majority of his drinking was done, as Brian calls it, “in the shadows” at night while everyone was asleep, sitting in his chair, watching his TV shows in his shrine to alcohol—the Man Cave. Brian was a master at hiding it until it became too much for even him.
I was the person that kept everything together, the fixer, the textbook definition of a peacekeeper. I made sure nothing boiled over and, majority of the time, took on the shrapnel as long as Bishop, our son, and Brian were doing “okay.” The thing with being a peacekeeper is that the problem never gets better. It just gets worse. While I did not cause Brian’s addiction, I definitely enabled certain behaviors to grow. I was constantly trying to protect him from suffering more and I was certainly trying to protect Bishop from feeling any of it.
I had my own formula that I thought was the key to Brian’s healing. I self-righteously thought because of my background in wellness, training, health, nutrition, and how the body works that I know how to fix this. If I just fix X and Y, then Z will happen. I can help him ween off. I can help him with healthy sleep habits. I can help him eat better, destress….I can save him.
Satan’s trap was self-reliance. In truth, I had no power to fix Brian. The only one who could truly save Brian was Jesus. Apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5) to overpower the evil in this world. Because of our stubborn self-reliance at that time, we did not allow God to do what He does best, rescue and save.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”
Proverbs 3:5-8 NIV
I would learn through many failed attempts to cut back, ween, and detox from alcohol, Brian always went back to the same pattern. The lie I believed was if I can just keep him from boiling over we would all be fine.
The Consequences of our need for control.
There is an analogy I like to use in coaching clients called “mowing the lawn while the house is on fire.” In my coaching it helps to illustrate to clients they might be focusing on small details rather than on the root problem. You can’t fix the problem without addressing the root first. For example, when someone is convinced a new popular diet plan or supplement is the missing link to success. Your problem is not the “diet plan,” it’s that you do not like to consistently eat healthy food or exercise. You look for any other way that will not require you to actually change your ways permanently. This is mowing the lawn while the house is on fire. To me, it is a perfect example of how we will try every solution the world can offer before we trust God with it. We were trying to control this fire with our own plan, while the root problem was not just physical, it was a heart and soul problem.
The consequences of my formula caused me to live a life constantly on edge, walking on egg shells every moment, and riddled with the anxiety of wondering when I would need to absorb the next bomb or “fix” the next problem.
Brian’s formula just caused him to sink deeper into addiction until it had complete control over him with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, and spiritual warfare.
How many times did I pray for God to give me stamina to endure “my plan?” Hundreds and hundreds of prayers. All the while God didn’t need me to have the plan. He needed my surrender to His plan. God always had the plan, I just had to get out of the way and let Him work.
Brian’s physical struggle was real, but we both were in a wilderness of our own making. We made the choices. That isolation we created was a choice. Following God was always a choice we just passed over. Brian and I chose to hold onto our false control. Sometimes God does allow us to struggle, not as punishment, but to discipline us to learn the lessons needed for healing. While 2024 was the boiling point of this journey, it was also the pressure needed for the discipline it produced in me.
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”
James 1:2-4
Chapter 4: January 2024 - April 3 2024
Now that you have a bit of the background of how and why we were in chaos, I will get into the timeline of events that led up to November 20, 2024.
By the end of 2023 it was very clear we had to do something, but I had no idea how to tackle this addiction. Brian was even on board with trying to cut back. At that point I was the only one calling it alcoholism even if I never said it out loud. Brian wouldn’t admit it because he knew what would have to happen if he said the quiet part out loud, and he always said he would never go to rehab.
We tried several times to cut back. We would keep track of how much liquid were in bottles, have a “no more than X amount of drinks” per night rule, and I even resorted to hiding bottles at night so it might prevent him from getting up and drinking more. Just typing this out makes me cringe so hard. These measures were all attempts to see if he could allow alcohol to still be a part of his life without fully giving it up. It was like watching the moments before a train wreck happens. The only thing I could see ahead was complete and total destruction. There was no earthly way we were going to survive this. NONE.
Like I said earlier, sometimes the best place to be is where your only option is God. You will finally have to let go of that iron grip you have on the control that was never yours. I used to say to Brian during the thick of this time, “You are going to have to do the one thing you do not want to do the most” in order to beat this. I thought that meant it was only his surrender needed, for him to admit what this was, and admit he did not have control. But I would also find out my own surrender of control was needed as well.
I realized we were mowing the lawn while the house was on fire with our formulas. We had to shift our focus from looking at all the dark to looking towards the light. Without a complete heart change in Brian (and later I would understand me too), this would always be our life—full of anxiety, fear, panic attacks, alcohol addiction and at some point the ruin of our marriage, livelihood, and family.
This is when I decided we should start the Freedom In Christ (FIC) class in January 2024. My sister and brother-in-law have been a part of the FIC class for over a decade and each semester they share their Freedom story. If God and FIC can help them through their storm, then God could handle this. But I literally had to force Brian to go.
While I had been a believer, I am ashamed to say that Brian and I never really had the conversation if he was saved or not. I honestly assumed he was because we went to church sporadically, celebrated all the holidays and he never said otherwise. I wasn’t living with Jesus at the center of my life so I wasn’t aware of how I had been neutralized.
At this point Brian had severe anxiety and panic attacks weekly, almost daily, that were made worse by not just the alcohol but the insomnia. He would go days without sleeping a full night, maybe only about 2-3 hours a night. We went to see doctors about his sleep, but he was never honest about the alcohol. He was prescribed anxiety and sleep aids all the while still drinking alcohol.
Moving through March 2024 was much of the same formula, same chaos. But it was getting worse and impossible to hide. One particularly bad day, God turned it into the most important day—Brian accepted Jesus into his heart to save him and be Lord of his life. This was the day I realized God was working overtime to save Brian. I will be forever thankful for my brother-in-law, John, for stepping in and helping Brian that day. Jesus saved Brian on a random Saturday, in my sister’s driveway. God will literally meet you anywhere you are, in any physical state you are in. Jesus has been walking right along side you waiting for you to reach out to Him.
While I believe God can heal anything in an instant, He knew for Brian to fully heal, it would require some time and discipline. After Brian’s salvation the pruning of the old life began, which included many physical and emotional struggles. We were nowhere near the end of the battle over his alcoholism, but we were one BIG step forward in the right direction.
Choosing Jesus’ way means going against the world and Satan. You will not be immune to suffering simply because you have salvation. In the moment when you accept Jesus as your Savior you receive your salvation and your soul is safe forever. From that moment you are His and no one can snatch you from Him (John 10: 28-30). You will never be separated from God again because of your sin. You are His for eternity. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to fight your flesh in the here and now.
You will still be tempted to be self-reliant and chase your own comforts. That is a daily battle of discipline. This is a marathon all believers will endure while on this side of heaven. Yet, that battle is also necessary for you to become more like Christ where your faith is tested, and you are pressed, and pruned to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Sometimes you are in a season of suffering so you can be fertilized to fully heal and bear the fruit. For Brian, it would take some time before the lasting fruit of this conversion would be evident.
“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid.”
Proverbs 12:1 NIV
Shortly after Brian accepted Jesus, no more than a week or two later, on April 3, 2024 Brian did his first medical detox attempt. He stayed sober for his longest stint for about 6 weeks. Around the last 2 weeks in May 2024 he started drinking again. We would attempt 3 more detoxes before August. All of which ultimately failed.
Chapter 5: June 6, 2024
“We belong to God.
We are loved by Jesus.
And you must leave.”
Brian’s soul was safe, but his mind and body were still very much sick and damaged. This also created a bigger target on his back for spiritual warfare. He was still an alcoholic with a very serious problem. Alcohol was a big problem, but insomnia was a massive problem that fed the alcohol consumption. It created a vicious cycle of defeat. Soon I would find out just how terrified he was of the night.
Jesus said in Matthew 12:43-45 NIV:
““When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.””
What Jesus means is that if your house is not occupied by the Holy Spirit you are vulnerable to evil influences and attacks. Even if you have the outward appearance of a “cleaned up house” but are not filling the void with the Holy Spirit, you will be vulnerable to spiritual attacks. The foundation of your house is cracked, which then will allow things of this world to patch it up instead of God. The demon not only comes back, but he will bring more of his friends to the party, and the condition keeps getting worse. If you are a believer, no matter how cold of a Christian you are, I do not believe you can be possessed by evil spirits. It’s not possible when the Holy Spirit lives within you. However, I do believe you can be tormented by them if you allow them to.
“And don’t get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless living, but be filled by the Spirit.”
Ephesians 5:18 CSB
As for Brian, yes, he had the Holy Spirit living in him, but he was still living for the alcohol. It’s like keeping one foot in the door and not completely shutting out your old life. Being “filled with the Spirit” means you live a life controlled and empowered by God. He was controlled by alcohol, which allowed him to be attacked.
I honestly never gave much thought about the spiritual realm or whether or not there were things going on around me that I could not feel or see. I believed in angels and demons because that is what the Bible talks about, but I had never seen anything of the sort myself. I’ve heard of psychics and mediums that supposedly spoke with spirits, but I had personally never sought out or experienced any supernatural encounters.
June 6, 2024 changed all of that. I now fully understand what is around us, how they work, and most importantly, my authority over evil spirits given to me by the Holy Spirit. Here’s where the story takes a turn from just dealing with the physical damage of alcohol to serious spiritual warfare.
When and where God is working and moving, there will be more spiritual warfare or “activity.” You might even feel like your life is being sabotaged even when you are trying to follow God. Satan will do anything to throw you off course. I believe one goal of demons is to keep you ignorant of their influence or make you question your sanity—temp, accuse, and deceive. Remember that Satan wants to isolate and neutralize you desperately.
These are all things I hear the devil say, even now, as I am about to reveal the next part of our story.
“Everyone will think you’re insane.”
“That didn’t really happen.”
“No one will believe you.”
“No one will understand it.”
“Stay silent.”
I can’t stay silent because this happened. It was real. I know without a doubt other people, especially those in active addiction or some kind of turmoil, experience this but think no one will believe you. Well, I do and I am talking about it. As I type this out I am feeling overwhelming anxiety and nervousness about making this public. But that is just the devil trying to convince me not to expose their world. Get your popcorn ready!
“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.”
Ephesians 6:13-15 NIV
On Thursday, June 6, 2024 we made the decision to start a second at-home medical detox on the following night.
How the at-home medical detox works is Brian took prescribed medicine over the course of 5 days that lessened the severity of withdrawal symptoms such as tremors, vomiting, and nose bleeds. Basically the meds make your receptors think you are getting alcohol. If you drink alcohol while taking the medicine you will get very sick and need hospitalization. Later on I would find out alcohol is the only addiction you can die from if you do not medically detox. So that would make sense why the attempts to wean or cut back never worked. His body was so dependent on alcohol at this point that if he did not medically detox he could have had a heart attack. If you or someone you know needs to detox I urge you to seek medical help and absolutely do not try it alone.
At this point Brian had been sleeping on the couch for about 3 months to allow me to get some sleep. He was getting up all the time, waking me up, but I also think it was because he wanted to drink at night without me knowing.
At around 11:00 pm Brian came to wake me up. He was emotional and crying saying he was “losing his mind.” This was nothing new to me at first because he often had panic attacks, just normally not at night. I immediately went into caretaker mode. I took him back to the couch to see if me just sitting with him would help calm him down.
From this point on in the story is my account of what I experienced that night. Other than what he said to me in the bedroom, he didn’t say any more words the rest of the night.
When we both sat down on the couch, he immediately started looking around the room and began moving around like he was trying to get away from something. He was looking all around the room, pushing away from me and then pushing away from something I did not see. He is making audible sounds of crying and whimpers as if he is scared of something. I keep asking him, “what do you see?” He doesn’t answer.
Meanwhile, I am looking all around the room wherever he looks. If his eyes land on a spot, I look directly at it too. I feel a heaviness, a pressure in the room, like something is there. Like I was being watched. It felt chaotic, but I can’t explain why. There was no movement in the room except for Brian moving to get away from whatever he sees. I know this seems to make zero sense, but I can just feel whatever “it” is around me.
I realize there is something in this house. I immediately say to myself “there are demons in this house.”
At this point in my faith walk I was still what some would consider a “fleshy person,” a person who is a believer but didn’t really live that way. By no means was I a well-seasoned Christian who could spout bible verses from memory. Over the last several months I was gaining momentum in my walk, but it wasn’t in high gear…yet.
So here I am that night feeling like I brought a plastic sword to a gun fight, feeling not at all equipped for this spiritual battle, Brian is clearly experiencing something terrifying I cannot see, and I am almost 99% positive there are demons in my house. I couldn’t remember any scripture or any prayer at that moment. The only thing that came to me in that moment was to lay hands on him and to say, “We belong to God. We are loved by Jesus. And you must leave!”
It was like in a nanosecond I realized what was tormenting Brian and, in the same moment, I knew I had the absolute Authority and truth that we belonged to God, we are loved by Jesus, and the devil and his demons are not welcome in this house. At first I was saying this as a prayer in my head, not out loud. But then I had something tell me I needed to say these words out loud specifically. I believe this was the Holy Spirit within me telling me what to say.
I just repeated it over and over and over again, “We belong to God. We are loved by Jesus. And you must leave!” I began looking at the spots around the room where Brian would look. As soon as my eyes locked in on a spot I would feel something was there and I would say out loud, “We belong to God. We are loved by Jesus. And you must leave!” I must have said it at least 50 times before everything calmed down.
As Brian finally fell asleep, I was still sitting next to him on the couch. The house felt clear and whatever had been here was no longer inside. After a few minutes of calmness I had a feeling of being watched again but this time it wasn’t from inside the house. I turned to look out one of our windows and my eyes locked on a spot across our backyard near my neighbors house. I had the same feeling something was there waiting to see what it could do next. I said out loud a final time, “We belong to God. We are loved by Jesus. Get out of here!” In an instant the entity/energy disappeared from that spot.
Why did I have to say things out loud? I remembered learning in our FIC class the devil and demons can’t read your mind. They are not powerful over you unless you allow it nor are they all knowing. They cannot do anything to you unless you allow them to. The only details they know about you is what they observe over your entire life and hear out loud. Therefore we must say out loud for them to leave. Now anytime I start to feel anxious, fearful, dread, etc I will literally say out loud “In the name of Jesus, spirit of fear leave me.” Might sound crazy, but it works.
As you can imagine, in the moments after this “demon battle” I was dumbfounded. Legit mind-blown and questioning my sanity. Am I crazy? Did what I think happened, just happen? I know Brian was drunk but I’m…sober? Needless to say, I stayed out on the couch with him the rest of the night like a guard dog in case anything else tried to come in.
Friday morning Brian and I recounted the night and our individual experiences. Before he told me anything about what he experienced, I wanted to tell my experience. I told him I thought there were actual demons in the house, and what I did to get rid of them. As I am telling him what I experienced he begins to silently cry. Then I asked him point blank, “Did you see demons last night?” With tears running down his face he nodded his head yes.
Brian’s experience with these demons usually started out as dreams where they would tell him to get up and go chug vodka or bourbon. This particular night he woke up to feeling a scratch on his arm and saw an entity in front of him. This is when he came to get me out of bed. He said once I got into the living room it was like all of hell broke loose. Gargoyle-demon-looking things were flying all around the room trying to grab at him and scratch him. This is the chaotic feeling I could sense but not see. I actually smile at this now because I know exactly what they were afraid of—the Authority that lives within me and I think they knew I would use it.
How did I not see the demons but Brian did? I believe the spiritual realm is around us, but both sides can decide if they want to reveal themselves to our eyes. I felt their presence. I knew they were there, even the exact spots of the room they were in. I could sense them, but I could not see them like Brian did. We would go on to have two more experiences like this, but I believe Brian was having these nightmares before I got involved.
“…the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them.”
1 John 5:18 NIV
The following night, Friday night, we began the second detox. I put up the bible verse 1 John 5:18 on the walls of my house EVERYWHERE. The story behind how I found this bible verse on this very night involves, again, the FIC class and Chapter 5 of the FIC book. (A small story for another time but nonetheless a God thump to the forehead!) I put this verse at every door entrance, couch cushions, cars, wallets, and even behind bed headboards. I was covering the house with God’s words. This one bible verse has grown into what I now refer to as my Post It Note War Wall. Once I started to read the Bible I started adding bible verses to my walls. To this day, my Post It Note War Wall grows and now covers all sides of two posts in my living room.
Satan wants you to stay fearful. He wants to dominate your mind. Brian needed to realize that the Authority of the Holy Spirit lives within us all as believers in Jesus. I was able to send these evil spirits away during these battles because I used that power in me, but they were not after me so they kept coming back. Brian had to be the one to send them away because they were after him. July 3rd was the third and final battle, also being the worst one. It was the last one because Brian himself finally said out loud for the evil spirits to leave. He has never had another night like those again.
Looking back in hindsight and putting in order the series of events that lead up to the demon battles, I realized this type of activity would always get worse right before we would make a step in the direction God wanted us to go. I believe the demon battles happened because my entire household was turning towards Jesus.
Timeline of events March - July 2024:
- Brian was saved at the end of March.
- Brian got sober for the first time in April.
- June 6th - the first demon battle happened the very day we decided to do a second detox.
- That same weekend I purged the house of all Halloween decorations from the main house attics. I had already decided prior to all this I was done with Halloween decorations, but after that weekend I was DONE DONE. Everyone knows how big we went out for holidays, especially Halloween, but I can say with 100% certainty after this experience I will never entertain that holiday ever again. So when people ask us if we miss doing the halloween decorations, now you know why I say “absolutely not.”
- June 13th - Bishop asked Jesus to be Lord and Savior of his life at church camp.
- The following week we started planning their baptisms. Now the demons were really freaking out!
- July 3rd - was the worst and last demon battle.
- July 8th - I sold all of the Halloween decorations in less than 24 hours. By the following week everything was gone from the house.
- July 21 - Bishop and Brian were publicly baptized.
Those who have heard this part of our story ask me if I was scared during the demon battles. I honestly felt no fear. I was shocked, but not scared. I thought this was crazy, but not afraid. It was more like “mama bear mode” was switched on. It was a feeling of “How dare you think you can come in my house and try to take down me and mine. Think again.” I was LIT on fire at that moment. I can’t put into words how powerful I felt. I knew whose power it was, which made me even more brave. Satan has no power over me because of who I am to Jesus, I just had to realize what I had—The Authority of the Holy Spirit living within me.
“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Ephesians 6:16-17 NIV
In all my years of being a Christian, I rarely cracked the Bible open to make an honest effort to understand it as a whole. Like really study it. That summer I started making a daily effort to read a little everyday. I started with the New Testament (NT) because we all know the Old Testament is a little intense in some parts, and I really needed some Jesus-loving-parts for my mental state. Ironically, I started with the Book of James, which was kind of like listening to your big brother tell you like it is and call you out on all things. After reading James, I decided I wanted to read the NT from start to finish to really understand The Gospel. I used the Bible Recap New Testament reading plan by Tara Leigh Cobble (in the YouVersion Bible App) which I HIGHLY recommend!
When they say the “Word comes alive,” that is what I have experienced. God was talking to me in ways I had never experienced in my life. I realized my best defense was to constantly fill my mind with God’s words, I would leave no room for Satan’s lies. And while I was filling my mind with God’s words, I continued to build my Post It Note War Wall of verses I studied. I’m not very good at memorizing scripture, but I know exactly where I wrote a verse when I need it from my wall.
“5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. 6 These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. 7 Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Bind them as a sign on your hand and let them be a symbol on your forehead. 9 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your city gates.”
Deuteronomy 6: 5-9
Chapter 6: August 2024 - Steps to Freedom
In August 2024 I began the Freedom in Christ (FIC) class again. I went for a second round because, to be honest, I was not one hundred percent all-in during the Spring class. I was an “observer” in the first round. Which is not a bad thing if that is where you find yourself right now. God is patient. In the second round I was definitely a willing participant.
At the end of each semester the class holds a “Steps to Freedom” workshop. Which is basically a guided prayer workshop where you unload every shame, guilt, sin, and truly ask God to forgive it all. You surrender everything to Him. But before that, you go through an amazing 12 week class that teaches you exactly who you are to Jesus, why you are forgiven, how to discern lies from truth, and deal with once and for all what is holding you back from living fully in Christ. Brian, nor I, made it to the Steps workshop of the first round.
Now looking back, I don’t think I would have put an honest effort in full surrender if I had done the workshop in the Spring. My reasoning for doing FIC class was because I thought Brian needed to change, not me. But God showed me through this process that I needed a heart change too. In the Spring, my heart wasn’t ready to let go of the control and trust God could handle this. By Fall of 2024 I was more than willing and ready to hand the control over to Him.
Part of the Freedom In Christ class includes people telling their testimonies—their Freedom Stories. I think what I love most about this class is no matter what you are dealing with, you will meet people with their own dumpster-fire stories and how trusting God was the only way they survived it. The testimonies are messy stories and mercy stories all in one. It’s beautiful.
One particular story I resonated with was Cheryl's story because she too had experienced spiritual warfare like we had. The night before Cheryl told her story, I remember talking to God and telling Him I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I (and Brian) needed to do the Steps to Freedom soon. I felt like it was a pivotal step (pun intended) for us to get past. But we were too early in the semester for the workshop.
The next night, Wednesday night, while Cheryl told her story, I picked up on a part I hadn’t remembered before—she didn’t finish the class before doing the Steps to Freedom. Literal light bulbs were going off in my brain at that moment. I KNEW IT. The Holy Spirit was telling me to draw the line in the sand, do the Steps, don’t wait.
Thursday we went through the Steps to Freedom.
Remember how I mentioned I didn’t think I had a heart problem? I still thought Brian was the only one with the "problem.”
The Steps coincided with another at-home detox attempt, which I thought made perfect sense alongside “the steps to freedom.” Basically God revealed to me I was still trying to make the rules on how Brian would heal. I made him do another detox. I made him participate in the Freedom in Christ class. I made him go through the Steps to Freedom with me. I was still trying to force Brian into my “new and improved” formula. I was still trying to control everything.
I realized the Steps at that time were needed for me, not for Brian. I had to surrender. I had to get out of God’s way and let him work. Brian was broken and God was the only one who could piece him back together, but not by me forcing him towards God. The only way an addict heals is if they want it. Only God could change that want in his heart.
I finally understood I had no say in how Brian would be healed. But I could live as an example of trusting God. I could show Brian I was giving up my control and giving it to God. I could show Brian the peace found in Jesus. I could show Brian peace by how I lived within the chaos. God told me to let Brian watch me.
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
1 Peter 3:1-2 NIV
Chapter 7: November 20, 2024
True peace can only be found if you seek Him and choose Him. The Steps to Freedom is what I needed to completely surrender to the Will of God and let him do the work.
You can’t force anyone into their faith. You can’t save anyone from their own choices. You have to let them choose and let God work. I can’t change hearts, that’s God’s job. I can only plant seeds. I stopped pressing Brian to grow his faith. I knew it was not my job to change Brian.
I understood to allow God to do His work in Brian, I would probably suffer too. Not everything that happens to us is for us. Sometimes we are the instruments God uses to help heal someone else, but not in the way the world tries to fix things. For Brian’s heart change to happen, I had to accept whatever the outcome God had planned.
Brian would continue to lie and hide his drinking. I stopped praying for complete healing. Instead, I prayed for God to give an opportunity for Brian’s heart to be changed. That is when I prayed the hardest prayer I’ve ever prayed—for God to do whatever he had to do so Brian would choose the one thing he said he would never do—surrender it all and go to rehab. I prayed for God to break him, break everything if need be.
On November 20, 2024;
3 days before Bishop’s 14th birthday;
4 days before our 17th wedding anniversary;
8 days before Thanksgiving;
35 days before Christmas;
Brian checked himself into Pine Grove Rehab. He spent 50 days there where he grew his relationship with God and wrestled his demons away.
“…I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4(b) NIV
Much of our story reminds me of the Israelites in the wilderness for 40 years. We wandered a wilderness of our own self-reliance and selfishness for so long that nothing short of what went down would have turned us toward God. We circled that same hill for long enough and it was now time to “turn North” towards God’s promise that has been there the entire time.
I read a quote recently that said “you can’t beg God to heal you and stay loyal to what’s killing you.” That control we refuse to let go of is what is stalling God’s work. All of the prayers you are praying for solution and resolution require you to get out of the way and let Him work. The devil wants you to think you have control. I learned this the hard way. But I also think I had to suffer it so I was equipped to tell this story.
If you are prideful you are vulnerable and the perfect target for Satan. Brian was isolated in his own mind and I was too self-sufficient and self-righteous to see what was really going on. This battle is real. Yes, Brian had a serious physical dependence on alcohol, but he wasn’t born with it. He was deceived into it. Yes, I was a Jesus believing Christian, but I hadn’t trusted Him with everything in my life. It may sound silly to some, but if you do not think there is spiritual influence on your life, then you are just as blind as I was. It wasn’t until I started reading God’s words that my eyes were blown wide open. I can’t un-know what I now know. My best advice is to read and study God’s Word no matter your situation. The answers are all in there.
Some of us hold on to the pain because we think we are controlling the shrapnel from it. But we aren’t. Some of us are even proud we can “hold it together” or are shielding others from it. But it really just allows that pain to build in strength. We think if we let it go, that we are weak and we will invite more pain in. That is a lie from Satan. Jesus died to take that pain away we are trying to control. Let Him have it.
Jesus said to Peter, John and James before he would be arrested and crucified….““My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,”
He truly understands everything you are suffering. Even the worst of the worst. There is no amount of shame, anger, guilt, or sin that is too much for him to handle. If there was a limit, he wouldn’t be God. You can let it go, be free of it and walk out of that prison. While my story is far from over, I know without a doubt God’s got this. I see his hand in it everyday.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 NIV
There is a quote I found that sums up why we suffer on earth and gave me a reminder of what is in store for us. I think this is a perfect ending to this Freedom Story.
“As a believer this life on earth is as close as we will ever get to hell, but for a non-believer this life on earth is as close as they will ever get to heaven.”
You can take comfort in that, even though you may be suffering now, this life doesn’t have to be the best of it if you choose Him.
If you believe Jesus is God, who gave up his deity to become human, so that he could die on the cross as the final sacrifice for all our evil we have and will commit, and then rose 3 days later to conquer evil, sin and death— if you believe He is who He is—our time on earth in this life will be the worst of it. As believers, while we are here it is our job to make sure we bring as many people as possible to Jesus so that this suffering they experience on this side of heaven is not the best of it for them.
“I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” John 12:46
Bonus—Chapter 8: God Thumps and Bourbon Collection
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
Once Brian was gone to rehab I felt lighter in some ways but very heavy in other ways. I was unbelievably thankful, but I was also trying to navigate what I should do now? What is my role in this next phase? What do I tell people? Do I tell people? What is this going to do to Bishop? What has it already done to Bishop? I had not realized the amount of stress I was living with all these years until Brian was out of the house. It was like I didn’t know how to live without the stress. The realization that I wore my stress and co-dependency as an identity hit me hard. I know without a doubt God led me to read His words and revealed many truths to help me unpack a lot of guilt and anxiety I had carried for many years. He was guiding me through all the hard decisions I would have to make while I was reading His Word daily.
Throughout this time, I was consistently reading the Bible and praying for guidance and discernment because my mind was not a nice place with my thoughts. I needed God’s Words to wash my mind every single day and literally tell me what to do. There were many days His Words showed up and thumped me on the forehead, but this particular moment was a big God thump.
In the weeks after Brian left, the number one task at hand was to get rid of all the alcohol, and anything that was tied to it and remove it from the house.
In April, after the first detox, we removed all the alcohol from the Man Cave which was mostly his bourbon collection. We stored it at my sister’s house with plans to get rid of it, but just never got around to it. The Man Cave collection was worth thousands of dollars he had collected over the last decade. To get rid of it would be a big undertaking, especially for someone like me who knows nothing of the bar collection world. I took an inventory of it all and began the process of getting rid of it. I gave myself a deadline to have it all gone by December 25, the day Brian would be able to come home for a one day visit.
The entire process of dealing with cleaning out the Man Cave was full of anxiety. I felt like an idiot trying to figure out what it was all worth. I felt like an idiot reaching out to people who I thought might want it. I also felt like I was trying to give my darkness to someone else. None of it felt right. But I had convinced myself the purpose was to use the money for good. I had decided I would donate all the money to charity. So for about 3 weeks all I did was fill my day trying to figure out how to get rid of this stuff. My anxiety was through the roof.
On December 16th I tried to start my day off normally and went to the gym. But like many days in the last several weeks, I ended up getting upset and leaving. The day before I had dealt with a person wanting a bunch of items from the Man Cave, which took up the majority of my Sunday and then ended up not going through with it.
That morning at the gym I felt so defeated and so angry that alcohol was still tormenting me even after Brian was gone to rehab. I got in my car and started to drive home, crying, having no clue what I was doing.
This is the moment where one of my days of reading scripture and a clear sign from God changed everything in an instant. God had been thumping me on the forehead for several days, but I hadn’t pieced it all together until that exact moment…
God Thump 1:
About a week before, during my quiet time I wrote on a post it note, “What is it you want me to let go of?” I had recently watched a video that was talking about letting go of the past or something of the sort. Remembering the video, the question popped into my head. So I wrote it down so I could think about it later.
God Thump 2:
A few days after God Thump 1, I read in Acts, chapter 19, where Paul was in Ephesus preaching the Gospel to the people there. The city of Ephesus was known for its occult and sorcery practices. Many people believed in magical practices and owned spell books, which are mentioned in this verse. The spell books were both monetarily and culturally valuable because they represented the people's livelihood and belief system. But Paul was able to convert many of these people to Christianity.
“(18) And many who had become believers came confessing and disclosing their practices, (19) while many of those who had practiced magic collected their books and burned them in front of everyone. So they calculated their value and found it to be fifty thousand pieces of silver. (20) In this way the word of the Lord spread and prevailed.”
Acts 19:18-20 CSB
I wrote a note in my bible next to verse 19 “They burned the things that did not honor God. Same way I want to get rid of the alcohol collection.” When I wrote that, I was still thinking God wanted me to sell it to raise money to donate to a charity and use it “for good.”
God Thump 3:
While driving home crying from the gym on December 16th, the first song to come on the radio in my car was “Burn the Ships” by For King & Country. This song is a significant song to me because in early 2024 I started building a worship song playlist. The very first song I chose to put on my playlist was THIS SONG. I have listened to the song hundreds of times!!!
I kid you not, in a split second everything connected for me and I immediately stopped crying.
God wanted me to let go of Brian’s approval. In the back of my mind I felt like if I did not sell everything, Brian would be disappointed and mad at me. The collection was worth thousands of dollars and Satan was using that against me to keep me in chaos. I had to ask myself, “who does selling it serve?”
God told me selling the collection does not serve Him. It does not spread His word or build His kingdom. He would want all his children to be “of sober mind” as he created them to be, and not changed by the effects of alcohol. The value of the collection is worthless in the Kingdom of God just like in Acts 19:19 when the newly converted Christians burned all their pagan valuables even though it was worth a total of “fifty thousand pieces of silver.” Just for some historical context, a drachma was a silver coin equivalent to day’s wage for a laborer. So 50,000 drachma (silver coins) represented an enormous amount of money that they literally BURNED. It was of no value to them anymore, just like the alcohol was of no value to me or Brian anymore.
And finally, when I heard the first words in that song, I recognized the final sign telling me the answer I was searching for…
“How did we get here?
We're cast away on a lonely shore.
I can see in your eyes, dear It's hard to take for a moment more.
We've got to Burn the ships, cut the ties.
Send a flare into the night.
Say a prayer, turn the tide.
Dry your tears and wave goodbye.
Step into a new day.
We can rise up from the dust and walk away.
We can dance upon our heartache.
So light a match, leave the past, burn the ships
And don't you look back.”
It was clear God wanted me to “burn the ships.” God had been doing Isaiah 43:18-19 (my life verse!!!) in real time. My tears dried as soon as I realized what I was going to do. I started to smile a real smile, the first real smile I’d had in a long time. I was going to burn the ships, trash it all and be done with it! I wasn’t going to remember the past. Something new was coming even better than I could ever imagine. I just had to trust God one step at a time.
I called Stephanie and Kellar and they came over and helped me pour out all the bottles of alcohol down the drain. We then took everything from the Man Cave—barware, bar accessories, glasses, all of it—took it to the dumpster and smashed it. I can still hear the glorious sound of glasses breaking. Each crash sounded like a release and relief.
I can imagine some of you reading this are thinking that it is insane to throw away that amount of money, but it had no value to me. It wasn’t because I didn’t need the money, because we very much did at that time. Alcohol was poison to my life and I was cleansing every single part of my life, spiritually and physically. I get chills just thinking about that day. It was SO FREEING. That is what bondage breaking feels like. I have never regretted it. I know without a doubt that is what God wanted me to do in order to be free of it.
I can’t explain in words what it feels like to hear God that clearly. The only way you are able to hear him clearly is if you draw close to him, talk to Him, read His words, let Him speak to you through His written Word. I pray everyone experiences this kind of relationship with God, this closeness that you can hear Him as clearly as I did on that day and still do.
“Blessed are your eyes because they do see, and your ears because they do hear. For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see the things you see but didn’t see them, to hear the things you hear but didn’t hear them.” Matthew 13:17
Welllll, that was A LOT. I’m so grateful you hung in here until the end. I hope it brought you some hope for whatever situation you find yourself in. The main takeaways I want you to remember are— nothing is too big for God to pull you through and the best advice is to immerse yourself in His written Word every single day. Other than fully surrendering to Jesus, reading the Bible is the best thing I have ever done in my life.
By the time you read this I would have already finished reading the entire Bible in one year. Reading the Old Testament made my understanding of The Gospel in the New Testament even deeper. In one year my life completely turned around, not because of anything I did, but because I put all my trust in Jesus and did what God said to do in His Word. My hope is that this story encourages you to do the same. The peace I have now is nothing this world could ever give or even measure.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27 NIV
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